In Wives and Moms’ monthly “Am I Overreacting?” series, we answer an anonymous question asking that question. Here’s what we think — how about you?
Dear Wives and Moms,
Whenever I get a chance to go out for some “me” time (which is rare), my husband always texts me numerous times about our kids — what should they eat for lunch? When are they supposed to nap? Where are their clothes? His diapers? Etc, etc. It drives me crazy that he can’t just figure it out without me so I can have a break. Am I overreacting?
Signed,
Mom who needs a break
Dear Mom,
Nope, you are not overreacting at all.
As someone who just had a baby 8 months ago, I understand how precious (and like you said, rare) getting some alone time can be. Having to answer a million questions from your children’s other parent — questions that, quite frankly, he should already know the answer to — prevents you from really taking a break. You still have to be “on,” tied to your phone and not being present in whatever it is you’re doing.
Have you ever heard the term “weaponized incompetence?” It’s where someone purposefully performs a task poorly or feigns total ignorance, forcing another person to do the task instead. This creates an unfair balance of labor and, ultimately, resentment in the relationship.
Obviously I don’t know you or your husband, so it’s hard to say if this is exactly what’s going on in this situation. However, there are definitely shades of weaponized incompetence here. I may give your husband a pass on nap time and lunch food, but he doesn’t know where the clothes and diapers are? Seriously?
I suggest setting some boundaries around your “me” time. Explain to your husband that texting a million question doesn’t allow you to take the break you really need. Be sure to run through important matters before you leave — nap time is at 12pm, chicken is for lunch, diapers are in the top drawer. Then explain that unless there’s a legitimate emergency, you won’t be answering any texts from him while you’re away. If he forgets where the diapers are, he’ll have to figure it out for himself.
Follow through! When you head out for “me” time next, don’t answer texts unless they’re real issues. Your husband is also your children’s parent and is more than capable of caring for them.
Wonder if you’re overreacting? Email your anonymous questions to jennifer@bridesofli.com to be featured!