Postpartum anxiety (PPA) and depression (PPD) is common, but it can feel scary and intense. Here are a few things I wish I knew before struggling with PPA and PPD.
By Heather Cunningham, as told to Jennifer Rizzuto
Most pregnant women are familiar with the terms “postpartum depression” or “postpartum anxiety,” but we rarely understand what they actually feel like. We hear about them the way we hear about distant storms — you know they exist, you know they can be serious, but you never think they will sweep straight into your life and change everything. I wish someone had told me how different the reality can be from the warning labels.
My Experience With Postpartum Depression
After my first baby arrived, I remember stepping into the shower at home for the first time. I expected relief, but instead I was hit with a tidal wave of emotion. The water had barely touched me before my thoughts spiraled.
“Did I make a mistake?”
“Why do I feel so disconnected?”
“What is happening to me?”
The guilt that followed was immediate and overwhelming. I felt broken for even thinking those things. I confided in my mom and said words that shocked even me. Hearing them out loud made me crumble. I had wanted this baby so badly, yet I felt scared, lost, and unsure of myself. I kept everything hidden from others because I did not want to seem ungrateful, dramatic, or unloving. The battle inside me lasted months, even though I loved my son deeply through all of it.
What I Wish I Knew About PPD
- I wish I knew that PPD can feel like confusion rather than sadness.
- I wish I knew that scary thoughts do not define who you are as a mother.
- I wish I knew that loving your baby and struggling at the same time is completely possible.
- I wish I knew that sharing my experience would have taken away so much shame.
My Experience With Postpartum Anxiety
When my daughter Sloane was born, I assumed that I understood postpartum challenges. I thought PPD had taught me enough. But postpartum anxiety was an entirely different world, and it hit harder than anything I expected.
The intrusive thoughts were intense and vivid. They did not feel like imagination, they felt like visions — scenes of terrible things happening to my kids flashed in my mind with details I never asked for. Afterward came the physical storm: the shaking. The sweating. The racing pulse. The tears.
But there was another part of PPA I never expected: it changed how I parented. I became overly cautious, overly protective. Even normal childhood things like climbing or running made my heart jump. I felt torn between keeping them safe and letting them be kids. At playgrounds I sometimes turned away because watching them triggered me so badly that I worried I would ruin their fun.
I tried therapy, and even though talking about it was difficult, I walked away with tools that saved me. Saying the thoughts out loud made them lose their power. Understanding that my anxiety grew from fear of losing what I loved most helped me make sense of it.
What I Wish I Knew About PPA
- I wish I knew that intrusive thoughts are shockingly common in postpartum anxiety.
- I wish I knew that anxiety can attach itself to parenting decisions.
- I wish I knew that thoughts are not intentions.
- I wish I knew that help truly exists.
My Third Baby and What Came After
After my third baby was born, something amazing happened: I did not experience PPD or PPA at all. No intrusive thoughts. No heavy sadness. No emotional spirals. It was peaceful. It was joyful. It was everything I wish my earlier postpartum seasons could have been. It was all baby snuggles, soft moments, and a mind that finally felt clear.
This taught me something incredibly important: Just because you have struggled once, or even twice, does not mean you will struggle every time. Every pregnancy and every postpartum experience is different.
Even now, every once in a while, an old PPA thought might pop up. When it does, I remind myself of the tools my therapist taught me. They still work. They bring me back.
What I Wish I Knew About Future Postpartum Seasons
- I wish I knew that having PPD or PPA once does not lock you into a lifetime of it.
- I wish I knew that joy can return in full color.
- I wish I knew that you do not have to fear the future.
What I Know Now
Motherhood rewires you. Sometimes gently. Sometimes violently. Sometimes beautifully. Sometimes painfully. But what matters most is this: your experience does not make you weak or broken or unfit.
If anything, it makes you strong. It makes you human. It makes you a mother.
And if you are reading this and whispering “I feel like that too,” then you should know you are already braver than you think.
If you are struggling with PPA or PPD, reach out to your healthcare provider.