Being a stepmom is just as stressful and rewarding as having children of your own.
Finding and connecting with your future spouse can be stressful enough. Throw in getting bonus children, and it can be downright scary for some. It can be confusing at times, as you have to navigate being a parent and respecting the biological mother’s role. But, remember being a stepmom is being a bonus parent to children.
Everyone’s situation is completely different, unique and special. From blended families where you’re joining your children and their children, to becoming a stepmother to their children and sometimes having children of your own. To help you possibly navigate your situation, here are a few things I wish I knew before becoming a stepmom.
It’s Not Always Easy
Okay, I knew this when I started dating my husband. But there were certainly times that were hard. But I always told myself that parenting isn’t easy, so I would lean on my husband to navigate new territory as his children got older.
Developing Relationships Take Time
It takes time to develop a relationship with your spouse’s children. And you can’t rush that relationship. They have to learn to trust you just as they trust their parents – at any age. And truth be told, each age is different. And just as with their biological parents, each stage of life is different. They could love you when they’re younger, and once they hit their teens flip a switch. It’s all part of parenting, and it’s important to keep the lines of communication open with not only them but your spouse.
They Might Resent You
This one can be tough. Depending on your situation, your spouse’s children could think you’re monopolizing their time or trying to replace their mother. In these situations, it’s important to reassure the children that this isn’t the case, and make sure to back up your words with actions. It’s one thing for you to say it, but if they see you including them and maybe even getting along with their mother, they could soon realize their fears aren’t coming true. Be sure to also loop your spouse in on any uncomfortable situations or conversations (or arguments).
And remember, they could resent you just because they’re in that rebellious phase where they resent their parents. The same rule applies here, stay united with your spouse on how to navigate these tricky waters.
They Will Treat You Like Their Parent
While this is an amazing feeling, just remember this means the good, the bad and the ugly. So for all those good times where you’re having fun and laughing, there will be times where they will test your patience as they would their parents. When that happens, it’s best to make sure your actions and decisions align with your spouse. It’s important to stay united.
There Will Be Awkward Moments
Out in public, people don’t know that you’re a stepmom, so sometimes I’m called ‘mom.’ And while it was awkward when the children were younger, as they got older, we sort of just laugh it off – because we all know that I’m not a replacement for their mother – but rather a bonus mother.
There could also be moments where your stepchild might slip and call you mom. If this happens, it’s best to gauge how they react. They could apologize, or they could laugh it off. If they get upset, make sure to comfort them and let them know it’s okay, mistakes happen and that you’re happy to be their bonus mom.
Navigating Mother’s Day
This can be tough sometimes. But it doesn’t have to be. If the children are younger, it is important they keep the routine of spending the day with their biological mother. And while you may have mixed feelings about this, especially if you have a great relationship with the children, understand that Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be celebrated on the actual day. Speak with your spouse about celebrating another day to make it about you. As the children get older, and your relationships get stronger, they will start to celebrate Mother’s Day with you in their own ways.
You Won’t Always Be First
Being a stepmom means that you’re not necessarily going to be the first person the children run to with important milestones in their lives. It doesn’t matter how great of a relationship you have with your stepchildren, it’s natural for them to reach out to their mother or father. And sometimes, that does hurt, but it’s important you don’t hold resentment against their mother or them. It’s just sort of something you need to accept.
Honestly, for me, the key to being a great stepmom is knowing my boundaries, continuing to make the relationships I have with my stepchildren (now in their 20s) stronger and always being open and honest with my husband.
Again, and I can’t stress this enough, every situation is different. Being a stepmom is easier when there is some sort of relationship with the biological mother. It’s nice to be able to text or call their mother with important information or questions you may have. And it’s definitely nice to be able to celebrate milestones like birthdays or holidays when all of the children’s parents are together. But these situations are unique. And it’s important for you to take a step back and learn to navigate your situation together with your spouse. Lean on them. They know their children – and their children’s mother – best.
At the end of the day, you might feel defeated or that you aren’t living up to the standards of being a good stepmom. But remember, just as with being a new parent, you’ll make mistakes and you’ll learn from them, and your children and stepchildren will be fine. No one parent or stepparent is perfect!