Children change your life in many ways, and knowing what to expect can help as your family grows. This is what I wish I knew before having kids.
Most parents realize that having kids changes things. But I never understood exactly what that meant.
I dealt with 4 years of infertility before I was able to get pregnant, so unlike a lot of new parents, my husband and I had A LOT of time to think about babies, children, and the ways in which our day-to-day lives would get upended. In a lot of ways I’m really grateful for that time, because it allowed us to talk through potential curve balls and make sure we were on the same page.
No matter how prepared you think you are though, something you didn’t expect will always come up. That’s something I wish I knew before having kids — that being “unprepared” for those moments doesn’t make you a bad parent, it’s all just a learning process that you figure out as your child grows.
Here are a few other things I wish I knew before having kids.
1. Parenting is more about regulating your own emotions than managing your child’s
I’ve been around enough new parents to know that having a baby, toddler, younger child, or even teenager can be an overstimulating experience. Even the best behaved kid creates a lot of chaos, especially when they’re younger.
Admittedly, I’m not that great at “chaos.” I like to stick to schedules, I like things clean and organized, and I like my home to be relatively quiet and calm. Oh boy, did ALL of that go out the window once we had our son.
I really had to get used to the crying that (seemingly) wouldn’t stop, the spilled food all over the floor, the lateness to nearly every appointment we made because we just couldn’t get out the door. And having to exclusively pump? That’s a whole other topic.
For the first few months, all of this really took a toll on my mental health. I was snapping at my husband for no reason, and would get frustrated with my son over things he couldn’t help. Then I’d feel so insanely guilty over my reactions — this is what I wanted, and because of our difficulties getting pregnant, I was terrified I’d never get it, why was I getting so mad?
Some of those feelings could have been Postpartum Depression, and In hindsight I should have discussed things more with my medical team. I did chose to incorporate some daily habits that helped me to stay more emotionally regulated.
For one, an hour of daily exercise was non-negotiable. This was HUGE to help keep me in check. Being able to take an hour a day to myself, to move my body and get some endorphins running through my blood had an immeasurable impact on my mood and my patience levels.
Also, I took the last 15 minutes of the day to clean. I’d heard over and over again “you just had a baby! They make messes! It’s okay!” But constantly tripping over toys, shoes, blankets, and other items drove me to the brink more times than I’d like to admit. Making sure my space was as tidy as I could get it helped me to stay calmer overall.
You know yourself, and you know what helps keep you grounded. Make room for those things in your life, even after your little one arrives. And I can’t stress this enough — keep your medical team abreast of ANYTHING you’re going through.
2. You will mess up
No one is ever perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. Parents are no different.
Before my son was born, I spent months researching and reading everything I could. All the parenting books, the mommy blogs, the advice forums — I took in as much information as I could to ensure I wouldn’t screw up this whole mom thing.
But the more and more I talked to IRL moms, the more I understood that there would definitely be times I “screwed up.” Even my therapist said she had tough moments with her children and thought “well, this will be a therapy session in 10 years.”
One of the best pieces of advice I heard during pregnancy was “bad parents don’t worry about being bad parents.” If you love your children, apologize when you mess up, and teach — through your actions — that taking accountability is important, you’ll be fine.
3. Expect the unexpected
There’s just no way to prepare for everything, period. The second you think you’re getting ahead, something will pop up that throws everything off course. Illness, school or social conflicts, absolutely nothing should be considered “set in stone” once your kids arrive. And that’s okay! It’s life, and things happen.